An amalgamation of thoughts..

Nick's Note: These are ideas that I am borrowing and twisting to my own ends, bastardizing and attempting to make into my own coherence. Credit for the seeds go to the beautiful Karlie Hustle and My man Derrick"real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them. if we try to change them, this means we don't really like them. it is easier to find someone who is already the way you want him or her to be, instead of trying to change that person." -don Miguel Ruiz After reading this quote and taking what Karlie had to say about it while being in a Tori Amos mood… I have just been noticing that I have had such bizarre preconceived notions about who people are and what they mean to me.
I am sorry to those who have been victimized by this. The fact that I set these standards for others that I do not know if I myself could possibly live up to makes me feel utterly wrecked. I know that we are not supposed to dwell on that which we cannot change, but I am forced to remember my mistakes, missteps and blatant fuck ups.
I realize that you cannot change people. I am realizing that, while I love a lot of people, I have made the mistake of trying to fit them into my life where I thought that they fit.
This is unfair to both them and myself.I also realize that it is not a matter of if you lose the ones that you love, but a matter of when. And I want those who know that I love them to take a moment and reflect on a good time that we have had together… That is the moment that I want you to remember after I am gone. I want you to take a moment every once in awhile and tell a story about some incredibly dumb/fun/goofy thing that I have done. After telling the story, I would like you to raise a glass of whatever you are drinking and give me an "eshkoshkaaaaah!"
This should be all. Since I cannot possibly put this into better words, this is where I just steal (Read:Sample) from Karlie's blog. It is beautiful and quite fitting for how I have been feeling.
"lastly, I want to thank you for being a part of the life experience that has brought me into this space where I can see more clearly the faults that have plagued me in the past. You were not a mistake, a casualty, or an accident. We all enter, hang out, and then leave each other's lives for a distinct purpose, and I certainly hope that I wasn't the only one who walked away with a learning experience."
- Karlie Hustle
Now for a bastardization of Derrick's Blog.
The problem with pictures
For those who know me, you probably already know that I graduated from Colorado Institute of Art with a Degree in Photography (Read: Received a receipt called "Associates of Applied Sciences" Derrick dropped a blog awhile that has been embedded in my subconscious and, Like Karlie's I am bastardizing and paraphrasing it here in order to make a vain attempt to express what has been happening in my life…
So here is one of the biggest problems with pictures. The duality that exists within myself (and apparently Derrick too) is that they capture a spot in your past and let you remember all the good times that you have had… Nobody saves pictures of their most miserable moments… We save these moments that were good and happy, but at some point, those moments will fade, dissolve, or disappear in one way or another.
They will never come back. Try as we might to fit our histories into that box, they can never fit. Like trying to explain Quantum Physics to an infant, it makes us all feel awkward and confused.
We look to the photos to reminisce and feel good about those times, but often those moments just cause more agony. The captured moments that are intended to make one smile, end up just reinforcing the opposite.
I repeat, They Will Never Come Back.So in the ensuing moments, it makes sense to just rid yourself of them, "When they are gone, they can't haunt me" the internal dialogue twists… But in the aforementioned shortsighted moments you somehow know that you can't throw them away. Because what makes you feel shitty in the midst of your darkness will make you feel good in the light. Like many things in life, "that which gives us a good amount of pleasure, also deals us a great amount of pain."It defies explanation. You will sit and think and wonder why you did what you did. Why you let something or someone go… How things could have changed. And the sadistic thing is; you can't stop reminiscing, reflecting and the introspection that it will bring with it… You don't stop. You can't. You look through every joyful picture, which brings with it newfound pain and you don't stop. You look at every captured moment of happiness past and you wonder why things are the way they are now.But getting rid of these pictures will provide no solace. Matter of fact, it will have quite the opposite effect. You'll think of those pictures. You'll yearn for the reminders of a better you. A happier you. And even if you are happier now than you were then, you'll still keep them. You might not look at them often, but you WILL keep them.Hidden from sight; Locked in a box. Back of the closet. Under the pile of clothes you don't wear or stuffed animals you've outgrown but don't dare throw away. You'll keep them. Because for better or worse, they are you. Reminders of the life you had and the life you still lead.Those pictures are you and your life. Or at least they WERE your life. For better or worse. And oftentimes, that's the fucking problem.
Thanks go to Karlie and Derrick for expressing in words what I couldn't possibly.
If I fucked up your meaning. I am sorry.
-Nick