Advice on the "Fairer" sex.

Nick’s humble advice on the fairer sex...
Current mood: awake

When she walks away from you mad
[ Throw shit at the back of her head ]

When she stare's at your mouth
[ mouth the words "Fuck You" ]

When she pushes you or hit's you
[ Headbutt her ]

When she start's cursing at you
[ Know that loogies feel worse than words ]

When she's quiet
[ Show her your privates ]

When she ignore's you
[ Fart in the closest proximity possible ]

When she pull's away
[ make sure she smells the anal vapor ]

When you see her at her worst
[ Tell her she smells even worse than that ]

When you see her start crying
[ ask her to be quiet, you are trying to watch the game ]

When you see her walking
[ Smack her ass really hard, be sure to leave a mark ]

When she's scared
[ Ridicule her ]

When she lay's her head on your shoulder
[ tell her that she has a huge, heavy melon ]

When she steal's your favorite hat
[ Smack her on the nose with a newspaper ]

When she tease's you
[ React violently ]

When she doesnt answer for a long time
[ Shrug your shoulders and turn your back ]

When she look's at you with doubt
[ Give her the finger ]

When she say's that she like's you
[ she really thinks you are merely slightly less douch-ey than her last conquest ]

When she grab's at your hands
[ Scream "Stranger Danger" and run like hell. ]

When she bump's into you
[ glare at her and tell her to knock that shit off ]

When she tell's you a secret
[ Tell her gossipy friend ]

When she looks at you in your eyes
[ Two words: Farmer's Blow ]

When she misses you
[ recommend booze ]

When you break her heart
[ the pain is easily remedied by booze and new dick ]

When she says its over
[ She is sick of your stalker ass. ]

When she repost this bulletin
[ she wants you to eat it ]

- Hang up on her every chance you get, because shes not saying anything.

- When she's mad grab her tit and don't let go

- When she says she's ok believe it, she can't be complicated.

- because 10 yrs later she'll still not know your name

- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you hope she gets Herpes

- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up, because everyone loves a stalker!

- Treat her like nothing matters to you.

- Tease her and laugh behind her back.

- Keep her up all night with your dick.

- Call her stupid when she tells you that her favorite movie is "Independence Day"

- Give her the pearl Necklace.

- Let her wear your manchowder.

- When she's bored and sad, Tell her to stop being a self-righteous twat.

- Let her know she's unimportant.

- push her into the pouring rain.

- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;"Deal with it"

If you do post this in the next four minutes the one you love will :
Call you.
Kill you.
Loath you.
Worship you.

Body: 40 Things You Might Not Know... Or give the slightest fuck about.

*This is a Nick Survey, If you have no sense of humor, proceed to stop reading now, and remain a vagrant on the roadway of life.*

1. What color is your underwear right now?Blue. I know you really wanted to have that information, I may have just finished your life's quest, in which case, you can feel free to stop reading and do something wonderful or even something worth you while...

2. What are you listening to right now?Exposition's album "Give a Penny, Take a penny" It is pretty damned good.

3. what are the last 2 digits in your phone number?Ocho Quattro

4. What was the last thing you ate?The confection handed down from the heavens to us mere mortals by god himself, passing the secrets down generations, then being patented by the benevolent corporation General Mills Who produces this erection inspiring delicacy under the name "Cinnamon Life."

5. If you were a crayon what color would you be?clear.

6. How is the weather right now?Fucking pleasant. So goddamned beautiful I am going to go outside and continue being fucking awesome. That is how goddamned pleasant it is. It is a beautiful day for a killing, it's a beautiful night let's go steal...

7. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?Your ma. She thanked me for last nights amusement via fornication. To use the parlance of our times, I "knocked the dust" of of her "Pussy"

8. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?Their ability to hold their liquor. And their glorious chesticles.

9. Favorite type of Food?The glorious, belly-sticking wonderment that is Toms Diner (In the heart of 5 points) I swear to your local holy leader that it will make your genetalia much better.

10. Do you drink?Does the pope shit in the woods?

11. Do you smoke?I smoke a pipe to lend creedence to my own self-importance and sophistication. Well that and it is a wonderfully relaxing way to spend an hour or so.

12. Ever get so drunk you don't remember?I do this every night. because it is the only way I can tolearate these surveys. And my newfound profession of completely ruining other peoples lives. Bet you didn't know I was running for office!

13.What color are your eyes?Hazel. Mysteriously Hazel... As in "I am fucking deep" Way deeper than you. As in everybody that disagrees with me obviously has inferior intelligence and is thusly not worth listening to... That is the color of my eyes.

15. Do you wear contacts?Nope, well I use them for condoms for my incredibly teeny weeny penis. So in a sense I "wear" them.

16. Single?Aye. And thankful for that.

17. Favorite Month?May

18. Ever cried for no reason?Yes, and afterwards I put on all of my Cure albums simultaneously and painted my fingernails. Then I dyed my hair and put on the manscara. It was very therapeutic.

19. Last Movie you watched?A know your rights video from "Copwatch". Facinating.

20. Favorite day of the week?Oftentimes it is Thursday. Sometimes it is Saturday.

21. Are you too shy to ask someone out?Sometimes, I mean here is something that you gorgeous ladies don't know about many of us guys, we are wicked intimidated by you. It takes guts to walk up and talk, lay down a compliment, or god forbid, ask you out. And your inevitable rejection only serves to feed that insecurity.Holy shit. I think I answered on honestly... OUCH!

22. Hugs or Kisses?Why can't it be both? I mean shit I paid GOOD MONEY for this, it better have both... Um.. er... Shit.

23. Chocolate or Vanilla?Why can't it be both? Why do you still want segregation of the ice cream community... Fucking racist!

24. Do you want your friends to respond?Of course. I want them to shower me with attention. and gifts of money. and praise. so that I can lead the flock to follow the eventual return of Hale-Bopp. In Nikes and purple cloths... OK, is this reference to old?

25. Who is most likely to respond?To my overwhelming sexiness? Well that would be all the fly ladies that happen to be on my friend's list. They can't help it, I attribute it to my groin thrusting prowess, But in all likelyhood it is the hair. The 'fro that grows down below.

26. Who is least likely to respond?Anyone that does this will shock the shit out of me because noone reads these goddamned things anyways. Actually a few of you will respond because you will have the same compulsion to do these that I do...

27. What books are you reading?"A Higher Form Of Killing" Wow... Seriously... WOW.

28. PIERCINGS?No thanks, I have an overwhelming fear of needles.

29. Fav. Movie?Brazil. Watch it if you want to see some eerily prophetic stuff, watch it... And to see the great Bob Hoskins do his damn thing. De Niro in a bit part...

30. Fav. baseball team?Pittsburgh Pirates. Willie Stargell... Barry Bonds... And honestly, I don't really remember why, but I stick with my teams...

31. Any pets?Just your ma. She loves the collar and the gag ball. Don't get mad at me, I only speak the truth. You might want to have an intervention though because she is pretty addicted.

32. AIM?I haven't used it in ages. I use yahoo on occasion. Literally 3 people talk to me on there.
33. Butter, Plain or salted popcorn?I like mine without the kernel things that get stuck behind your teeth making you talk like a Jerry's Kid because you have been fucking with it for days, pushing it up under your gums. Matter of fact, buttered popcorn jelly bellys are superior in every way.

34. Dogs or cats?No thanks... I have liked a few in my day, but to quote Abraham Lincoln; "Those little sumbitches make too much fuckin' noise."

35. Fav. flower?Tulips. On my organ. Knawmean? I know subtlety isn't my strong suit.

36. Have you ever fired a gun?Um... I am from Montana... What the fuck do you think?!?Ever seen Deadwood? That is a little like my hometown.

37. Do you like to travel by plane as opposed to car?in most instances. Although my car is the perfect road trippin' automobile.

38. Right handed or left handed?Depends on what I am doing... I try to keep them in equal shape if you know what I mean. If you don't then you can have a brief discussion with former Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn Elder.

39. How many pillows do you sleep with?3. Because I have so many imaginary girfriends that they need a place to rest their weary heads. Only post-coitus though. Otherwise they don't get to share in the wonderment that is my pillowy haven.

40. What do you think about pumpkin spice?I really don't think about it at all... like even now, I am thinking about the erection-inspiring delightfulness of Cinnamon Life...

Psychiatric Drugs For Thought

Last year in the United States, about 1.6 million children and teenagers -
280,000 of them under the age of ten-
Were given two or more psychiatric drugs in combination.
Over 500,000 were prescribed at least three psychiatric drugs.
More than 160,000 got at least four medications together.
Source: Medco Health Solutions, 2005

An amalgamation of thoughts..

Nick's Note: These are ideas that I am borrowing and twisting to my own ends, bastardizing and attempting to make into my own coherence. Credit for the seeds go to the beautiful Karlie Hustle and My man Derrick"real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them. if we try to change them, this means we don't really like them. it is easier to find someone who is already the way you want him or her to be, instead of trying to change that person." -don Miguel Ruiz After reading this quote and taking what Karlie had to say about it while being in a Tori Amos mood… I have just been noticing that I have had such bizarre preconceived notions about who people are and what they mean to me.
I am sorry to those who have been victimized by this. The fact that I set these standards for others that I do not know if I myself could possibly live up to makes me feel utterly wrecked. I know that we are not supposed to dwell on that which we cannot change, but I am forced to remember my mistakes, missteps and blatant fuck ups.
I realize that you cannot change people. I am realizing that, while I love a lot of people, I have made the mistake of trying to fit them into my life where I thought that they fit.
This is unfair to both them and myself.I also realize that it is not a matter of if you lose the ones that you love, but a matter of when. And I want those who know that I love them to take a moment and reflect on a good time that we have had together… That is the moment that I want you to remember after I am gone. I want you to take a moment every once in awhile and tell a story about some incredibly dumb/fun/goofy thing that I have done. After telling the story, I would like you to raise a glass of whatever you are drinking and give me an "eshkoshkaaaaah!"
This should be all. Since I cannot possibly put this into better words, this is where I just steal (Read:Sample) from Karlie's blog. It is beautiful and quite fitting for how I have been feeling.
"lastly, I want to thank you for being a part of the life experience that has brought me into this space where I can see more clearly the faults that have plagued me in the past. You were not a mistake, a casualty, or an accident. We all enter, hang out, and then leave each other's lives for a distinct purpose, and I certainly hope that I wasn't the only one who walked away with a learning experience."
- Karlie Hustle
Now for a bastardization of Derrick's Blog.
The problem with pictures
For those who know me, you probably already know that I graduated from Colorado Institute of Art with a Degree in Photography (Read: Received a receipt called "Associates of Applied Sciences" Derrick dropped a blog awhile that has been embedded in my subconscious and, Like Karlie's I am bastardizing and paraphrasing it here in order to make a vain attempt to express what has been happening in my life…
So here is one of the biggest problems with pictures. The duality that exists within myself (and apparently Derrick too) is that they capture a spot in your past and let you remember all the good times that you have had… Nobody saves pictures of their most miserable moments… We save these moments that were good and happy, but at some point, those moments will fade, dissolve, or disappear in one way or another.
They will never come back. Try as we might to fit our histories into that box, they can never fit. Like trying to explain Quantum Physics to an infant, it makes us all feel awkward and confused.
We look to the photos to reminisce and feel good about those times, but often those moments just cause more agony. The captured moments that are intended to make one smile, end up just reinforcing the opposite.
I repeat, They Will Never Come Back.So in the ensuing moments, it makes sense to just rid yourself of them, "When they are gone, they can't haunt me" the internal dialogue twists… But in the aforementioned shortsighted moments you somehow know that you can't throw them away. Because what makes you feel shitty in the midst of your darkness will make you feel good in the light. Like many things in life, "that which gives us a good amount of pleasure, also deals us a great amount of pain."It defies explanation. You will sit and think and wonder why you did what you did. Why you let something or someone go… How things could have changed. And the sadistic thing is; you can't stop reminiscing, reflecting and the introspection that it will bring with it… You don't stop. You can't. You look through every joyful picture, which brings with it newfound pain and you don't stop. You look at every captured moment of happiness past and you wonder why things are the way they are now.But getting rid of these pictures will provide no solace. Matter of fact, it will have quite the opposite effect. You'll think of those pictures. You'll yearn for the reminders of a better you. A happier you. And even if you are happier now than you were then, you'll still keep them. You might not look at them often, but you WILL keep them.Hidden from sight; Locked in a box. Back of the closet. Under the pile of clothes you don't wear or stuffed animals you've outgrown but don't dare throw away. You'll keep them. Because for better or worse, they are you. Reminders of the life you had and the life you still lead.Those pictures are you and your life. Or at least they WERE your life. For better or worse. And oftentimes, that's the fucking problem.
Thanks go to Karlie and Derrick for expressing in words what I couldn't possibly.
If I fucked up your meaning. I am sorry.
-Nick

Homeland Insecurities

So here we go...
Somewhat recently we had an experience in which a close friend of mine got detained by the INS. After dropping him off at the "Processing Facility", I was told by the man with the Department Of Homeland Security card that we would be able to take him home in 2 hours. Lie #1
So I go to breakfast with my mom... about an hour later I get a call on my cell phone that I have to go pick up all of his belongings as he is going into "Detainment". The feller with the Homeland Security card told us that we could have my friend out by the end of the evening, so we went about attempting to do just that... That was lie #2. My friend had to first have bond set (It was $10,000) and he didn't even get a detainee number (which is necessary in order to contact him or get him out) until after the offices were closed. Day 1 has passed.
After feeling clueless I went about scouring for information, and finally got a call from my friend. He said that he got a whole bunch of contact information, but was supposed to be limited to one call a day. I called the contact number for the "Rocky Mountain Immigrant Advocacy Network" a non profit orginization that goes to the detainment facility and advises the people of their rights. (There aren't many as they are not U.S. Citizens) They were the first people to give me information that is not a lie. Their website is www.rmian.org
They directed me to the government's own website which told me that I needed to have a check made out to Department Of Justice-INS. (Lie #3) and a photo ID (First truth to come from an official source) and you can go to their offices and get the Detainee out.
I did this, got a check for $1,000.00 (10% of the $10,000.00 that was necessary... This was my own fault, I was told 10% was all that was needed.) made out to Department Of Justice-INS, Grabbed my wallet and went down there to get him out.
After going through the metal detector (Which my shoes set off, and when he wanded me, something near my heart set the wand off...) I was talking to the security guard, whom I had recognized from somewhere, when he informed me that my check was made out to the wrong people... It had to be made out to Department of Homeland Security. I left to get this done and the guard advised me that if you don't have all of the stuff together and in the office by 2:00, they will just send me home. Day #2 was gone.
I spent the entirety of Day #3 answering the phone, calling my friend's family, trying to explain the situation to everybody that I could and pretty much being stressed the fuck out. I got the Certified check changed by the bank after being turned down by one of the branches and having to drive all over hell just to get it done.
I get my ass down to the Processing center again and wait... for 2 hours... only to have them tell me that I need my Social Security Card, and that the check has to be paid in full... $1,000.00 isn't enough.
Day #4 Was Saturday and the place was closed.
Day #5 was Sunday and the place was closed.
Day #6 I found out that there are visiting hours and the detainment facility... I take my little brother and we go down to visit my friend... They make you fill out a form. and wait in a room... There was a crying kid, and a plethora of Mexicans visiting their friends... One of the guys was funny as hell... We wait a total of 2 1/2 hours to visit him for 30 minutes... He is behind glass and you have to speak through a phone that you can barely even hear... the funny mexican dude was next to me... He was talking so loud that I couldn't hear a word that my friend was saying... By the time we got out of the Detanment Facility, the Processing offices were closed.
Day #7... Incidentally the 4th of July... Nathan decides that he can front the rest of the cash to get our friend out. so we go to the bank (the one that turned me down earlier when I tried to change the check) and get a certified check for the remaining $9,000.00 and I go blazing down there with my Social Security Card, checks, and a weeks worth of pure frustration. They run through the same shit as before... They finally after 3 hours of waiting process the info and say that as soon as the facility gets the info that my friend is free to go... I head to the detainment facility and wait... for 2 more hours for them to get through with visiting hours and let my friend go.
One week of my life was completely wasted... And here is what I learned:
When dealing with the detainment of a friend or loved one...
1. Checks are to be made out to Department of Homeland Security. No matter what the government says on their websites.
2. I cannot emphasize this enough... BRING YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY CARD!!! They turned a woman away who had flown in from New York because she didn't have her Social Security card...
3. Get the Bond amount IN FULL in a certified check made out to DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY
4. Be in their offices by 2:00... after that they will turn you away.
5. Every word that comes from an "official" source is a fucking lie.
6. Good Intentions mean nothing to robots. (Thanks Bert)
7. Immigration Bonds people will not take cars as collateral.
Thems the rules.
Abide.

Fuck Mos Def, and yourself

Sorry, but Fuck yourself.

Being bombarded with Myspace Trolls has been pissing me off a lot lately.
Sorry Angie, Moe, Kimmy, Ash, and all the other bullshit "Hey, look at my ass" re-direct to a porno site. But go FUCK YOURSELF.
Seriously. I have had enough problems wading through the bands, trying to give some sort of constructive criticism and here you all come, bombarding me with your stolen copyrighted images, and your Hilarious profiles...
(Seriously... They are kinda funny.)
On a completely other note.
Mos Def can go FUCK HIMSELF.
Mabye it isn't his fault. Mabye his manager didn't tell him that he had to be somewhere else, but how many times can you fuck Denver and expect to have an audience. I liked your first record. I liked half of Black Star. But when they are charging for tickets to see you and AGAIN you refuse to show up, What about the people who wanted to see you perform? If it isn't your fault, then you should kick the shit outta the guy whose fault it is.
And for the record, Your shitty pseudo-poetry sucks ass. Thought you might want to know.
Seriously. Eat a dick.
*This is especially irritated because last time it was the Breed Love tour and He "Got Sick" 9 days into his tour... Leaving Jean Grae, Talib Kweli, and Pharoahe Monch to pick up his slack.*
There it is folks.
Some venom for your steady diet of nothing.

Too Poor For Rap

On Rakim and peing too poor for rap...

So last Night I went to see Rakim and to be honest, $30 a ticket and he played for 45 minutes. I remember Chuck D having something to say about this when they performed here in Denver... Seriously, What the fuck... I would have forgiven if he had a lack of material, rookie or something, but the guy is a fucking legend and he pulls some shit like this... With Kid Capri as his DJ, shit he could have done a set all by himself, But nope... Brother Ali was good, but had this intro that was kind of a nod to his favorite MCs and it was way too long as his intro... As far as concerts go, This gets a D... I do not know who to blame about ticket prices, I remember bitching about them here before and getting called out because allegedly the artist has no control of what the club charges, but Seriously, I remember Fugazi never charged more than $7 for a performance... $30 for a club whose remedy for bad sound is to turn it up really loud (resulting in FUCKING LOUD SHITTY SOUND) a show that started 2 hours later than the ticket said, Rakim playing a 45 Minute set, You couldn't go sit down unless you bought a bottle of over-priced hard alcohol, so you were forced to stand for 2.5 hours before the OPENERS took the stage... Fuck that... And A Tribe Called Quest's reunion tour is $35 with an $8 service charge... Mabye I am too poor for rap, but this shit is fucking ridiculous... And after being ditched 2 times by Mos Def (He cancelled his Denver show to do another concert in NY for Dave Chapelle, and on the Breed Love tour he got sick and it was the 9th show into a tour) Seriously... Rap needs a Lollapalooza type show to knock some sense into this... I remember going to the first and third Lollapalooza tours for a combined total of $40 ans seeing the likes of: Ice-T/Body Count Jane's Addiction Arrested Development Mutabaruka Tool Rage Against The Machine Alice In Chains Primus Nine Inch Nails Henry Rollins Living Colour Violent Femmes Fishbone and a metric fuckload of bands. For about the price of a single ticket to Tribe. Meh, Mabye I am just too old and too poor for rap.
To Quote Omar:
it's official: i've become too po' for rap. i can't afford to go to see a good hip hop show without breaking the bank. what ever happened to $5-$10 shows? what happened to free? I'm pisssed. Mos def won't perform in denver...it's the second time he cancelled his denver apperance in a year...and i was planning to see tribe called quest next month cuz i've never seen them perform ever...and it costs close to $40.so i said fuckit and went to Lodo to see some slam poetry.For a whopping $10 i got to hear some overweight poets complain about how they're oppressed and can't get no satisfaction. following this reasonning....someone owes me close to $1.2 billion....and a sandwich. I'm done with Rap music; it SUCKS!
In the middle of this Alkie poet-chick's rant, i realize 2 things: the U.S flag is nothing but a marketing tool and everything in this society is pre-pakaged: entertainment is prepackaged,anger is pre-packaged, the revolution is pre-packaged, and so are our feelings and emotions.
After 9-11 people went on calling the FDNY and NYPD heroes. sure they did what they were supposed to do but i can't help to ask: Does the NYPD no longer shoot innocent people 41 times, especially when they're black or brown? If there's a fire in the PJ's does the FDNY no longer take their sweetasss time to extinguish the fire off the back of ghettos dwellers before they turn to bacon? i'm sick and tired of being sold pre-packaged ideas and emotions.and i'm sick of people passing off pre-packaged knowledge as intelligence.
"Give us Free"- Cinque

Constant bloggery!

Since it is obvious that I use this all the time, I shall update it.
Not that I have had a reader in say the last YEAR or so!
I shall post a metric fuckload of survey answers.
They make me laugh.
Deal with it.

80 Questions I Guarantee You've Never Answered ___________________________________________________
Do you watch the Gilmore girls? Why wouldn't I. I am a self respecting heterosexual male, THAT'S WHY!!! Is it possible to be annoyed already? Why do I have the compulsion to answer these?!?! I need help. Badly.

Have you ever enjoyed listening to Jack Johnson?He has a delightful tune that Handsome Boy Modeling School re-mixed and made much better. Seriously.

Have you ever seen or enjoyed watching the O.C.?I cherish every moment that they recieve of network television coverage. They teach moral and social values to.... HA HA HA Fuck you!

Do you have one or more Britney Spears C.D.?I am a collector. I happen to enjoy everything that trailer-trash hillbilly has ever recorded. actually, this is a little known fact, I have her placenta in a jar. I am planning on sharing it with Tom Cruise after his promo tour for Mission Improbable 3 is over.

Do you regularly watch the news? I don't think you can watch news. "News" on television is called "Entertainment".

Which radio stations are your favorites?National Public Radio, Radio 1190 in Boulder, Kuvo, College radio.

Are you a Lost fanatic?I don't know what this means. I am a fan of being lost I suppose... *scratches head and moves the fuck on*
__________________________________________________
[[Be honest]] Fuck You for inferring that I am not!__________________________________________________

Do you have a song by Ozzy Osbourne in your library?A song? One?!? Goddamn I have several. and I am proud of that fact.

Queen? I like a few of theirs, but don't own shit of theirs.

Alanis Morissette?FUCK NO! I did see her live and it was like getting my fucking teeth drilled. I want 2 hours of my life back. Her set was only 30 minutes long and well, to make a long story short, I would rather never hear her again.

Do you watch Family Guy regularly?When I can. They make me laugh.

The Simpsons? When I can.

King of the Hill? Not really... It has funny moments
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[[Admit it]] Admit what? *looks around suspiciously* _________________________________________________

Do you read trashy romance novels often? Why you gonna ask me some obvious shit. I even hilight the sex parts so that I can brush up on my sexy talk.

Do you really work out every day?Work out.... If this is some clever euphemism for jerk off... yes. If it means pick up heavy objects in order to set them back down, no.

Have you ever eaten chocolate in bed?This is getting personal... Don't make me get out my trashy romance novel!

Have you ever eaten an entire pint, or more, ice cream by yourself?Most likely yes. but way more often than that I drink a pint of more of beer.

Do you shower every single morning, no exceptions?Naw, I save some water sometimes.

Do you ever forget to give an xmas/birthday present & instead keep it for yourself?Not that I remember. But I have been known to do some shit...

Do you sing obnoxiously in the shower when no one's home?I sing one hell of a "Puff The Magic Dragon, I can tell ya that much.

Do you go nights without brushing your teeth?As little as possible. I hate that funky taste in my mouf.

Have you ever watched a little kid's show when you were over 12?Hell yes. Dr. Phil is my favorite cartoon superhero. He inspires all the bed-ridden housewives by sheer mindpower.

Have you ever looked forward to go to school?Yes. Information will give you an advantage EVERY TIME.
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[[The Necessary Love Questions That Aren't So Necessary]]___________________________________________________

What did you draw for your first crush back in elementary school/preschool?Probably an obscene stick figure.

Have u ever liked a girl/boy but didnt ask her/him out b/c you were afraid?Yes. I love girl/boys, but they are so intimidating with their fantastic breasts and moustaches that I can hardly contain myself!

Have you ever written a poem about your love life?Yes. It was whiny and self-indulgent.

An autobiography?It is in progress, it is called "how to talk dirty and annoy the living shit out of people in thirteen easy steps and four hard ones. The title seems a little long winded, but such is life.

Have you ever listened to a song repeatedly just because it reminded you of your crush?Sure. namely 2 Live Crew's "We Want Pussy" ... that is the type of ballad that can bring a tear to my eye.

Have you ever spent over an hour thinking about nothing but your crush? no, but I did listen to "Dunkey Butt" on repeat 3 times, does that count?

Do you reread meaningless AIM convos just because they're with your crush?No. I hope they aren't saved.

Have you ever reconsidered liking someone because of their appearance?Look, to act like we don't have some sort of superficial nature is to be lying to one's self and the world around them. Yes.

Have you ever liked someone solely for their appearance?Absolutely, but she would have to be "Puppy Blenderingly hot" to make that work. ____________________________________________________
[[The Questions You Love: Completely and Utterly Pointless Ones]]____________________________________________________

Do you eat all the servings in the food groups on a daily basis?Do you genuinely give a fuck about my eating habits?

Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization?Obviously you haven't been to the Laramie's.

Have you ever been to South America or Africa?Not yet. I need a travel companion.

Have you ever owned a Klutz book or kit?Yes, It was a kit where I could build a Kluts. It was utterly useless. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?

Do you have a cellphone or iPod with a patterened cover?My cell phone has part of our band's logo on it. I have no Ipod.

Have you ever written song lyrics yourself and put them in your profile?Actually that is all my profile is. It seems mysterious because I am "Deep" (which is white people speak for makes no goddamn sense)

Do you keep a diary or journal (online or on paper)?I keep it in my mind. and it is full of the hateful shit that I want to say to you right now.

Do you own a striped sweater?Um... Possibly.

How often do you take a bubble bath?Once every decade or so. I would be WAY more likely to do that if there were gorgeous young maidens in the bathtub with me.

When you open your closet, what are the color of your clothes?My closet has a plethora of hockey jerseys. They are brightly coloured. Yeah, I spelled that like a fucking englishman. How ya like me now!?!
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[[Truly Unusual This or That Questions]]__________________________________________________

Baskin Robbins or Coldstone?Why is it always either or with you fuckers.

Sees or Godiva?The dichotomy continues

The Shins or the Decemberists?Public Enemy

America or Canada?America...FUCK YEAH!

Physics or chemistry?Quantum Physics.

Earphones or headphones?Head. Everybody loves head.

Chocolate brown or teal?Um this seems to be getting absrtact.

Earrings or a ring?What the fuck, I am a heterosexual man aged 18-29... Are you trying to offer me jewelry?

Commitment or casual dating?Are you asking me out?

Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings?Um. books for the pseudo-literate. Finnegan's Wake.

Fly or road trip?Depends on the company.

Starbucks or Petes?What is Pete's? and who the fuck is Pete?___________________________________________________
[[Another Wave of Random Questions]]___________________________________________________

What is your favorite Disney movie?I have said it before and I will say it again The Jungle Book (old school animated one) is the ONLY disney movie. Goofy ones rock too, but motherfuckin Ballo is up in hurrrrrrrrrrrr

How much jewelry do you own?well there is 3 rings in my enormous shaft and they are guage 3..... What do you want me to measure it in?

What year did you graduate high school in?1997

Have you memorized the rejection hotline, just in case?Is there one? Oh YEAH!!! I get that EVERY TIME

Have you ever given someone the rejection hotline as your number?I have recieved it. Just kidding, is there really such a thing... I want to call it.

Have you ever eaten at a food court?Yes. and I swear to all that is holy that shit is inedible.

Have you ever bought clothes at Sears?Yes, are you judging me for that? because I don't want to be judged by the cheap-ass clothes I wear. You should instead judge me by the carefully styled hair that I have. It took me 3 hours to make it look like I don't give a fuck!

Do you own any Care Bears memorabilia?I actually have ther real Care Bears chained in my basement. Take that magic colorful bears!

Do you have a quilt on your bed?I have a comforter. It comforts me in my intense lonliness.